forbidden

sweet sexy voice
giggles throughout
speaking words that
sooth and inspire

lonely and bleak
drudgery
routine
seeks sun to
burst through dark cloud

illusion of something
that can never come to be
pieces stitches together
a fictitious whole

run swiftly now
into knowing space
sadly
this, too
is forbidden

sparkler

ground shifts
underfoot
small movements
just enough to lose
balance
direction to fall
undetermined
far away down
velvet halls
shines a sparkler
numbers align
meaning unknown
heartbeats faster
senses on alert
waiting for
the full array
of fireworks
to brighten spirit
and light way
to key
of locked cage

pathways

constant protestations
coupled with testimony
that love is the source
assuming understanding
of things unknown

judgment and complaints
of the cage where I dwell
the footsteps I have left
or pain you think you know ...
... but don’t
have no place in my world

words fall hard
like concrete blocks
shattering from stories above
I am not fluent in your language
and I no longer wish to learn
I no longer want passage
to this world you live in
where facts are not entertained
where nylon covers your face

simplicity
is really what I need
I did not ask you
to be my pillar

battery

he threw it in my face
maddog
mad dog
with the wish
written clear
that it was heavy
would bring damage
not light
fluttering to the ground
my reaction
fear and surprise
seemed to satisfy
I dared to speak
seek resolution
then the words came
like punches
... and women wonder
why men
hit them.

the battle

you’re so cool...
she wrote
in the moment
when all hell broke loose
punctuated with little hearts
I wonder what it would be like?
... to have a love like that?
It happened fast,
but so true
laughter bright
kisses true
I battle the demon
not of my own
cold and strong
drowning
gasping
there is no reason
for his attack
only to destroy
weaken
have what he wants
he takes
and takes
until I don’t recognize
myself
barricaded in
dark rooms
vodka on my lips
I plan my escape
with the monster at the door
the hardest part
is there was
a sweet man there
before
now it’s come to one
chilling thought
him or me
and the weapons
are in
his arsenal

no home ... again

no home ... again
there is no more
my home
is a view
of the bedroom door
just ignore me please
you’ve made it clear
that only when you
want something
is when you want me near
dark silence you both kept
as I gave time, love and heart
in my small space
I secretly wept
I gave more
much more
than my part
soon all there will be of me
all you will see
is the space that I kept
where I hoped you loved me

to begin the end

It’s liberating really.
“I couldn’t see past the pain,”
she said.

Hopelessness.
Deep, dark, sticky, infinite,
hopelessness.
That’s what pulls me under...
with the few odd breaths
at the surface.
The liberation comes
at the simple
painless
matter-of-fact realization
that I could just...
Quit.

I don’t ever have to see
that “to-do” list.
No more sorting, again,
through boxes from storage.
No more details.
Dear god the endless
barrage
of details.
No more trying to fix
the unfixable.
No more reaching out
for her... for him... for them
only to come back
empty handed
and forced to smile.

I can’t see past the hopelessness.
Instead of closing doors
it’s opened a possibility...
and I can’t seem to think my way
around it.

the inbetween

In the dark
the pain consumes me
and I contemplate the
reality
that happiness
and any real
blessed light
are for other people.
Perhaps, if I accept this
as fact
my nightmares
will cease to be
so brutal and
demanding...
...and sunlight’s taunting
rays of day
will not devour
me whole.