sometimes

sometimes
I’m not okay
I sound stronger than
I am
but really
I’m coming undone
or already found
my way
there

the blood
on my skin
in the room
dripping to the floor
on the blade
soothes me

and
I
can’t
tell
anyone

because I’m the one
who is
supposed to be
strong.

something died in me that day.
but if I say that
they will lecture me
or leave me
or judge me
and then I will be
even more alone than I am now.
how do I beat that?

I don’t know how to make it work.
the blood is so unspoiled
as if it has a chance
outside of my body
that I don’t

I don’t want to live anymore.
I don’t feel suicidal
I’m just tired
of the neverending
battle for money
to make something out of myself
when I did all the right things
already
and nothing worked
the ache to be loved
and have a social circle
that always failed
the need for a man
to love and accept me
as I am
in a healthy, strong
relationship
maybe even a family

time goes by
and it looks like
that will never happen
life’s details take over
the errands
cleaning
laundry
and I can’t do it
alone
anymore.

I want more,
but I can’t
seem to
make it happen
so I just want to
stop.